| .20 |
[12 May 2012|03:12pm] |
...why is there no one in the training room? HEY PEOPLE, I know it's Friday, but get your arses in here. I need something to hit.
NEVER MIND.
[ crossed out after 20 minutes ]
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| .19 |
[05 May 2012|01:03pm] |
I'm alive. Couldn't decide between the two approaches, so you get them both:
That's it; I've changed my mind. Vampires are awesome and should totally have rights.
And;
I vant to sahk your blahd.
Someone entertain me please. These Healers witches don't have a tender bedside manner and I'm bored as shit.
[ Warded to Fenwicks ]
Sorry.
[ /Ward ]
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| .18 |
[30 Apr 2012|07:57pm] |
The next chapter of Things That Are Stupid: The Book is entitled "Picky Eaters".
Are you a picky eater? Great, just die already. Seriously, there is nothing more annoying on this planet than picky eaters. "Oh, I don't like sauce." "Oh, I don't like my food to touch." "I don't like vegetables. Or fruits. Or... hey, do you have chicken fingers?"
GOD. You're a waste. I know it's all proper to say that different people have different issues with texture or process taste differently but you're annoying as fuck. And before someone goes "WHAT DOES IT HURT YOU IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE PICKY EATERS", let me tell you how it hurts me:
- The saddest thing in the world is a group of people trying to decide where to eat while Sad-Eyed Sally stands around, rings her hands, and says "oh I don't like Mexican. Oh, I don't like Chinese. Oh, I don't like that restaurant; I ate there once." Seriously? ENTIRE COUNTRIES worth of food and you can't find a goddamn thing? So this entire group maintains this charade of "deciding" where to eat but you KNOW they're going to wind up catering to Sad-Eyed Sally because she only eats food that can be stacked vertically or whatever.
- Not to mention cooking. I hate cooking for picky eaters. It's so uncomfortable. You try to make something boring like spaghetti and then you find out that the tomatoes have to be COMPLETELY PULVERIZED in order to be edible. Or they don't like basil or something. And I'm like... what the fuck is wrong with you?
OH WAIT. You know what's worse about picky eaters? People who don't think they're picky eaters, but they secretly are. "Oh, I'll eat anything!" they say all happily to you and you think "thank god", and then you get them to a restaurant or something hoping to get your hand down their pants and they order all: "I'd like the Number Four, please, but instead of roast beef can I have turkey? Is your turkey fed with whole-grains only? Oh? No? Okay I'd like to substitute mayonnaise instead of mustard and I'd like my chips lightly burned please, no salt. Oh, and my pickle should be turned counter-clockwise." And I'm just sitting there like "hey remember the part where I wanted to have sex with you? No. Just no." You want to shag me, you're going to have to turn that pickle around ANY GODDAMN WAY.
Finally, I hate people who are picky in unpredictable ways. Like, they eat mushrooms, but find carrots disgusting. They love cous-cous but think rice is gross. They'll eat dried cranberries but refuse anything with oregano. How do you deal with that? Oh, right - DON'T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM.
[ Edited 45 minutes later to add]
[ Warded Private ]
I knew he's dead. Don't know why I thought he'd write something.
Fuck you, Wilkes.
[ /Ward ]
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| .17 |
[27 Apr 2012|10:11pm] |
Yes, I am ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FINE. A Death Eater is dead; who the fuck cares? He's lied, he's murdered, and he's APPARENTLY done even more unique things than that, so leave me the FUCK alone.
You people ask the stupidest bloody questions; I swear to Christ. Be happy. Celebrate. Pop open the champagne, then. Have a real corker of a time with it. Max Wilkes is dead, hooray!
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| .16 |
[20 Apr 2012|12:12pm] |
[Warded to Male Friends + Tamsin ]
Why are birds such idiots?
And don't anyone say, "Well, you're the idiot actually" because I KNOW you're all thinking it, but it's across the board, I swear to Merlin. You snog a girl and suddenly she wants you to spend money on her and not look at your sister-in-law's tits.
Why would anyone want to be chained like that? I've got enough shit to worry about. Is something wrong with me for thinking so?
[ /Ward ]
Weekend, weekend, WEEKEND.
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| .15 |
[17 Apr 2012|08:24pm] |
[ Warded to Edward Yaxley ]
Mum's wanting us to come have dinner with her this weekend again.
Also: Josie Proudfoot. Acceptable? Mostly?
[ /Ward ]
[ Warded to Alice Longbottom ]
Muggles have this stupid game called "Memory" where you flip over a card and then you put it back and then you flip another card and you do that until you match all the cards. The paperwork the doctor gave me said to practise with it. It's stupid. Anyway, I can't do it.
[ /Ward ]
Chapter Whatever on "Things That Are Stupid: The Book" by Dominic Yaxley: People That Walk in A Horizontal Line Together Down A Narrow Road, Alley, or Street, Thus Blocking You from Passing Them Because They're Inconsiderate Skid-Marks and Do They Think You Don't Have Somewhere to Be Too or Are They Really That Engrossed in Their Boring Conversation?
I don't really think I need to explain that chapter. However, I find that screaming "RED ROVER" and trying to break the chain with all the force you can muster usually flusters them to the point where you can pass.
Next up: People Who Think They Are Good Bakers and Bring Their Shit to Work But They Really Can't Bake at All. This means you, Alicia, Hitwizard Trainee. Jesus. Just stop.
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| .14 |
[12 Apr 2012|09:33pm] |
Happy almost Friday-the-13th.
[Warded to Attendees of Tamsin's Upcoming Birthday Party]
All right, since the guest list is growing, here are the house rules:
If Tamsin remembers her name, get her another drink.
No political talk. This goes for both sides of the spectrum. If I hear either "mudblood" or "werewolves are great!" I will hurt you.
We're poor, so don't break shit. I will hurt you.
If you fuck in my bed, I will hurt you.
Touch the music player and I will hurt you.
If you drink all my beer and provide nothing in return, I will hurt you.
If you're a fit witch and you want to take your shirt off, I will help you.
Don't drink and apparate, unless I don't like you. Then it's hilarious.
I'm going to be making out with Josie a lot, so deal with it.
We have neighbors, but I don't like them, so be as loud as you want.
Keep it classy. If you start to puke on something of mine you'd better swallow that shit back.
Questions?
[ /Ward ]
[ Warded to Alice Longbottom ]
What the fuck is up with the post-its?
[ /Ward ]
[ edited to add following this ] [ Warded to Nic Mason ]
How do you make appointments for a Muggle mind healer?
[ /Ward ]
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| .13 |
[08 Apr 2012|07:09pm] |
[ Warded to Friends of Tamsin Nott ]
All right, so if you can see this, you're one of Tamsin's friends. Not mine. In fact statistically, I probably don't even like you a little bit. However, Tamsin's birthday is coming up next weekend and so I'm throwing her a party on Saturday here at the flat. It's not a surprise party because if you think I'm going to balance saving-the-world with hiding streamers you clearly don't know me, but it's a party and you're invited.
I could use help with decorating the place because I'm not gay, and if anyone wants to help pitch in for booze, much appreciated because I'm not sponsoring your hangovers single-handedly.
Oh, and while this is a diverse crowd, if you get stroppy with her over her family giving her the boot and/or try to make this party about politics rest assured that I'll stab you with a broom handle.
[ Warded to Tamsin Nott ]
You're partying next Saturday night, and it will be intense enough that Charles Darwin will shit his trousers that you survived.
[ /Ward ]
[ Warded to Alice Longbottom ]
I'll give that mind healer a try.
[ /Ward ]
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| .12 |
[05 Apr 2012|11:05pm] |
I was going to write a new chapter of "Things That Are Stupid" but got distracted by the icebox. There's a city of milk in it. Seriously like five cartons. Tamsin, why is the icebox filled with milk? Why is this happening? I can't even reach the cheese. This is horrible.
Things That Are Stupid, Chapter Four: Our Icebox.
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| .11 |
[01 Apr 2012|08:02am] |
|
If anyone wants to see a decent April Fool's joke, check out Hogsmeade. Someone's advocating something that's not "death" for werewolves. Hilarious.
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| .10 |
[29 Mar 2012|03:00pm] |
Tamsin and I have a system which works pretty well for us. While I'm off being amazing, she goes to the grocery store and picks up food. When I'm home, I try to make the food both hot and edible.
The issue gets complicated because I don't know how to cook and she doesn't know how to shop. I don't know what's wrong with her. She picks up perfectly reasonable items like chicken broth and ground beef and stuff, and then somewhere along the way her brain stops working. She sees some sort of fruit and she thinks "this has more spines than a porcupine's arsehole. I'm going to buy it".
And so I'll come home and some random fruit is sitting on the counter and Tamsin's looking at me all hopeful going 'well? what are you going to make with it?'. Usually we just wind up putting hazelnut spread or cream cheese on whatever-the-hell she's foraged because we're health-conscious like that.
Anyway, being exposed to all these exotic fruits, I've decided that fruit is basically just sex. If you think I'm exaggerating, ( wave your wands )
I refuse to believe that I'm seeing these things because I need to get laid.
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| .009 |
[14 Mar 2012|08:53pm] |
[ Warded to Edward Yaxley ]
My roommate is reading and discussing Muggle things in plain view of everyone. What advice would you give to me that doesn't involve "move back to Mum's", given that I prefer the stench of Death Eater prank'd swampass flat to the stench of adolescent failure? I'd suggest that I move in with you and Jocelyn but I'm fairly certain I could not escape the allure of spying upon her in the shower, plus you stock the foulest biscuits in the world in your pantry.
Help?
Edited to Add: Never mind; she's buying me beer.
[ /Ward ]
Can someone tell me why this was happening outside Diagon this evening?
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| .008 |
[29 Feb 2012|08:45pm] |
The next section of my book is going to be called "Things I Hate about The Grocery Store".
There's a lot to like about the grocery store. You go there and you get food, which is already lots better than growing up on mud and recycled urine like some people in the country of Africa. But unfortunately, there's one thing wrong with the grocery store, and that thing is people. First of all, you've got your mums with nineteen children who climb the displays and open up food to eat before they even pay for it. Half the reason I became an Auror was so that I could freaking just arrest those little arseholes for stealing and toss them in a cell with not-yet-registered felons so they could get a taste of where their crime will lead. What's worse than the children are the people who check the nutritional content of every. last. box before they move their arse out of the way. It's like... lady. You're built like Stonehenge. Scrutinizing the label of Lard Flakes isn't going to help you lose weight. Chasing after your kids who are currently destroying the entire bloody store might, though.
But even worse than all of that? Old people. They hog the aisles, and because they're old, you can't be like "Hey, Prune-Face, did you die already? Get out of the way". And then once they move their saggy arse, you're hit with it: Old People Stench. You know what I'm talking about. Merlin forbid you wind up behind one in the checkout line, because not only do you smell them, but they have to put down their purchases very carefully and one at a time. And then they have to go through the tattered remains that was a newspaper at some point but is now a Book of Coupon Hell. And then they have to argue about something that might save them all of a sickle. And then they have to pay with a personal cheque which takes another twenty goddamn years.
And don't get me started on getting something with an expiration date of like... two weeks from now, but two days later there's green fuzz on it, and you have to toss it out and go back to the grocery store.
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| .07 |
[15 Feb 2012|09:59pm] |
[ Warded to Josie ]
What was your problem today?
[ /Ward ]
[ Warded to Tamsin ]
Went back to our flat.
Still smells like swampass.
[ /Ward ]
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| .06 |
[13 Feb 2012|09:48pm] |
I could use a life-affirming sha snog right about now (stand down, Max; this is ladies-only).
Also, for the record, this not-saying-what-you're-really-thinking stuff is bollocks. I don't know how you tactful people do it.
[ Warded to Trainees ]
I want more dueling practise. I should've been able to handle one stupid Death Eater.
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| .05 |
[04 Feb 2012|05:58pm] |
Chapter Two of "Everything Is Stupid": Cleaning
I hate cleaning. However, the alternative is expecting Tamsin to do it, which is just hilarious on so many levels. I have no idea how girls can smell good all the time and not clean, but somehow she manages it. I think I've seen her with a frying pan once and it was because she was threatening to hit me with it (and the frying pan was dirty, too, because REMINDER - she doesn't do dishes either). Thankfully I clean pretty regularly because living in filth is disgusting and I need the place looking tidy for my ladies.
Cleaning is probably the stupidest chore on the planet. As soon as you're done cleaning, some asshole spills something on the carpet and you've got to do it again. The ideal thing is to be in a state of organized chaos where everything looks sorta clean, even if it's not, so if you spill a Merlot or accidentally get blood on the living room wall it's like it enhances the place rather than detract.
What's worse than cleaning? People who don't do it. I've known people that I've genuinely liked until I was invited over to their place and then I was recoiling so quickly from the unholy stench of the biosphere growing in their icebox that I decided that I hated them. Seriously? Do you not smell that? Do you think so much of yourself that you can't possibly pick up after yourself? Or enslave a house elf or something, Merlin. It's not like that's all that hard to do, and they live to clean up that stuff.
In short, cleaning is stupid, but necessary if you want people to pretend to like you.
[ Warded to Max ]
Are lesbians really everywhere? [ /Ward ]
[ Warded to Edward Yaxley ]
If you never hear from me again, I've died at the Ministry somewhere. Some feral asshole sent fingers and stuff through the post. I am so sick of these sodding vigilantes I want to scream. [ /Ward ]
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| .04 |
[02 Feb 2012|10:27pm] |
[ Warded to Healers ]
Can one of you people who isn't going to be an asshole about it check on my roommate, Tamsin Nott? I have reason to believe that she's gone batshit and I can't afford the rent on my own.
Thanks.
[ /Ward ]
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| .03 |
[31 Jan 2012|03:04pm] |
Upon the suggestion of Maximilian Wilkes, Poofter, I have decided to write a novel entitled "Everything Is Stupid". Chapter One: Weddings. Here is an excerpt for the huddled masses and whoever else isn't happened to be huddled at the moment:
Weddings are stupid for many reasons. They cost too much money and the wedding cake is never worth it. Have you ever had a decent wedding cake? No? That's right. They're all disgusting. That's the only reason why they invented the groom's cake, because you might stand a slightly better chance statistically of getting a cake that doesn't make you want to rinse your mouth out with champagne (and it's usually chocolate). And besides, is anyone happy at a wedding? No. The bride is going crazy because something is wrong with a place-setting somewhere and it's ruining her liiiiiiife, the groom is hung over if he's done his stag party right, the bridesmaids all need more antiperspirant because the wedding facility is always too fucking hot, and I hate children so the flower girl can seriously just get eaten by a manticore; I don't even care. OH and the actual ceremony's awful, because on one hand you have these people saying all this mushy stuff that NO ONE CARES ABOUT, but on the other hand, you know that the godawful cake is coming up next so really, is sitting and hearing about someone else's "forever love" all that intolerable in comparison?
Marriages are also stupid. First of all, the ones that don't end in divorce end in mutual loathing. If you happen to not hate each other by the end of your marriage, you look forward to dying ahead of your spouse leaving him or her in emotional agony, or they die first, leaving you in emotional agony because they're completely selfish fuckwits.
In short: if you're in love and want to get married, just go do it at one of those in-and-out places. No one has fun at an actual wedding, you're still married as long as you get a witness, and it's a lot quicker a process than planning a party no one cares about for six months. Once you're married, make a plan to die at exactly the same time together sometime in the future. Maybe poison each other. I can't think of anything more romantic.
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| .02 |
[15 Jan 2012|09:06pm] |
[ Warded to Journal-Owners under the Age of 40 ]
Tamsin, you are bloody well ON YOUR OWN the next time you need a favour. For Merlin's sakes. What did you tell him about me?? I've had ANAL SURGERY more fun than tha--
What a STUPID PLACE for a chair.
And there's NOTHING WRONG with my hair. It's fine.
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